INTHEBLACK December 2021 - Magazine - Page 67
goals. It comes from many different sources: it could be
past experiences of having failed or being put down.
The inner critic “feeds on our emotions and
insecurities, and makes it very difficult to accept
compliments because we think the person must be
being insincere.”
However, deflecting or rejecting a compliment comes
with the risk of undermining the person who is giving it
– they may even walk away feeling insulted.
There is also the possibility of appearing falsely
modest or guilty of an irritating “humble brag”
(“I hate my Ferrari! Police are always pulling me over
just because it’s a Ferrari, and they assume I’m speeding
when I’m not!”).
CLICK HERE
TO LISTEN
to this story as
an audiocast
PRAISE GONE WRONG
“They’re also sharing an opinion of something that
we didn’t expect, and oftentimes it conflicts with our
own paradigm of ourselves.”
Some people simply believe that they ought not
to accept praise; that there is something inherently
wrong with doing so, says Jacqueline Whitmore,
international etiquette expert and founder of The
Protocol School of Palm Beach.
“From an early age, most of us have been taught
to remain humble and not be arrogant, egotistical
or too proud,” she says.
“Some people feel unworthy or undeserving,
while others try to deflect attention from themselves.
Some people undervalue the importance of their
contributions. Some feel more comfortable putting
the spotlight on others instead of themselves.”
When Littlefield set out to discover the best types of
compliments, he realised that people were more
interested in telling him about the worst compliments
they had encountered. He interviewed 400 people on
the Boston subway and subsequently identified what he
describes as “ineffective recognition practices”.
The most common is buttering someone up with a
compliment and then asking them for a favour, or the
sandwich feedback model, whereby two hollow
compliments are given in between a “slice” of criticism.
Another is “pity praise”; for example, a colleague bombs
a presentation but, instead of acknowledging this, we
pretend it went well. Each approach is inauthentic.
“When we do these things, we actually break down
the relationships that we were looking to build,” he says.
“Instead of giving a compliment on the fly, pause and
think for a second. What behaviour did you see that had
an impact on you? Be specific.”
Also consider how the person would wish to receive
the praise. They may not enjoy being the centre of
attention, in which case it would be preferable to send
them an email or a voice message, rather than
addressing them in a group setting.
SILENCE THE INNER CRITIC
LESS IS MORE
Littlefield calls out the “tall poppy syndrome”, which tends
to discourage people from accepting compliments,
because standing out might be perceived as negative.
“We learn to avoid recognition, because we fear
being excluded from the group.
“We forget that when people are recognising us,
they actually want us to feel good,” he says.
Those who consistently struggle with accepting
praise may be paying too much attention to what
self-development consultant, coach and author
Angela Di Paola calls “that darn inner critic.”
“Many of us have an inner critic who tells us that
we’re not good enough and will never accomplish our
If you’re feeling unsure about how to respond to praise,
Littlefield suggests keeping it simple. This is far
preferable to awkwardly trying to deflect or reject the
praise, or countering with a compliment of your own.
“A gracious reply to a compliment is simply saying,
‘Thank you’. If it really meant something, you could add,
‘That’s really great to hear’,” suggests Littlefield.
Di Paola says it can also help to consider the other
person’s perspective. “Take a step back and a deep
breath and recognise that people actually don’t have to
compliment you, so when they do, it is generally coming
from a good place. Recognise that they themselves are
being vulnerable by giving you that compliment.”
CLICK HERE
TO BORROW
Giving and
Receiving
Feedback from
the CPA Library
intheblack.com December 2021 67